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Texas Humor







Texas

YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN TEXAS WHEN....

You see more Texas flags flying than American flags.

You no longer associate bridges with water.

Sunglasses and sunscreen are sold year round.

You've used both the AC and the heater on the same day.

You can say 110 degrees without fainting.

You can make instant sun tea.

You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.

The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a bit chilly.

Fire ants consider your flesh as a picnic.

You discover that in July it takes only two fingers to drive your car.

You discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window.

You know the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.

You know whether another Texan is from South, West, East, North, or Central Texas as soon as they open their mouth.

Hot water comes out of both taps.

You actually burn your hand opening the car door.

No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car or not having air conditioning.

There is a Dairy Queen in every town with a population over 1000.

You break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m. before work.

You realize asphalt has a liquid state.

You design your Halloween costume to fit over Wranglers and cowboy boots.

You've taken your kids trick-or-treating when it was 90 degrees outside.

You measure driving distance in minutes, not miles.

It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is out on the streets...

You know that in big cities and small towns alike, high school football is a Friday night religion.


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Hook 'Em Horns

You Know You're In Austin If ...

Your co-worker tells you he/she has 8 body piercings, but none are visible.

You make around $100,000/year and still can't afford a house.

You never bother looking at the Capital Metro schedule because you know the drivers have never seen it.

You've been to more than one baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

A really great parking space can move you to tears.

You know that anyone wearing pants in November is just visiting from Ohio.

Your child's 3rd grade teacher has two pierced ears, a nose ring and, after your child tells you all of that, you still need to ask if the teacher is "Mr. Sunshine" or "Ms. Sunshine."

You are thinking of taking an continuing education evening class but you can't decide between yoga, aroma therapy, conversational Mandarin or a course on building your own web site.

A man walks down Guadalupe (the drag) in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps ...You don't notice.

You keep a list of companies to boycott in your wallet.

Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is straight and your Mary Kay Lady is a guy in drag.

You occasionally see a guy on a unicycle whiz by you in traffic and you think to yourself, "Oh yeah, it's that guy again..."

You start to worry when you don't see the cross-dressing, bearded guy in-a-tutu-and-bikini top-who-has-made-a-statement-with-his-grocery cart-an-cardboard-box-art/shelter on your way to work in the morning.

You make dinner plans around who's got the best margaritas.

You have a tough time deciding on one of Austin's six 24-hour eating options (IHOP, Denny's, Katz', Kerbey, Stars, or Magnolia Cafe).

You complain about their prices but still shop at Central Market for the scene.

You know the exact locations of three towing yards.

Your summer shoes are your Birks and your winter shoes are your Birks w/socks.

Your entire wardrobe consists of: a black tank top, a GAP white T-shirt, second-hand Levi's, second-hand cut-off Levi's, overalls, Longhorns sweats, anything polyester from the 70's, a bikini, Tevas, Birkenstocks, and running shoes.

Dressing up to go out for a woman means throwing a tank top on over the sports bra you've had on all day b/c it's so DAMN HOT.

You often find yourself wondering why magazine editors insist that swimsuit season starts on Memorial Day when it's really the end of February or at the latest, the beginning of March.

You consider chips, salsa, Kerby Queso, and a Shiner Bock a well balanced meal.

You find yourself making beaded necklaces to give away as Christmas gifts.

You think 100 degrees for three straight months isn't unreasonable, 110 degrees is and 90 degrees anywhere between May and September seems a little chilly.

When you go out, you make sure you've grabbed your water bottle before checking to see if you've got your wallet and keys.

You don't mind parking a mile away as long as it's in the shade.

You'd rather ride your bike than get in a car without air conditioning. At least on your bike, you're guaranteed a breeze regardless of traffic.

Cubicles are no longer referred to as "work spaces" but "way out funky left brain meditation depositories."

The food at the company holiday party is all vegan, organic, soy free, wheat free, dairy free... Most Austinites are either "allergic" or "political" when it comes to food.

That noontime odor in the breakroom reminds you of your trip to Caracas, but its only somebody's lunch.


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El Paso

You know you're from El Paso if...

You know that the only two seasons are summer and Christmas.

You know it's the first day of Spring because the wind gusts hit 50 mph.

You know that it only snows if it was at least 75 the day before.

You cringe whenever you see a CHIH MEX license plate.

You can get sunburned and wind burned in the same hour.

You can give a stranger exact directions to the Electric-Q disco in Juarez.

You get sick of your friends from other cities asking if you have indoor plumbing.

You don't go near the Rio Grande. Ever.

You think that anyone who lives on the West side drives a BMW and all the people on the East side are gangsters.

The only national monuments you have been to are White Sands and the Chamizal.

You have a least four T-shirts that have "In loving memory" on the back.

You know the difference between ya'll and all ya'll.

You know where the "real" first Thanksgiving took place.

You thinkg Western Playland is the place to be in the summer.

You have tried to fry an egg on the sidewalk in July.

You invest a great deal of money in hair spray in the spring.

The only thing you stocked up on for Y2K were tortillas.

The phrase, "Hi Dick" are your child's first words.

You think the rest of Texas doesn't know El Paso exists. (It doesn't!)

You know what all those letters on the mountain stand for.

You can see three different states and two countries from your backyard.

The first place you go when you come back in town is Chico's Tacos.

When you are lost in Juarez at night, you can always find your way back by looking for the star on the mountain.

Seeing the Asarco tower gives you that warm and fuzzy home feeling.

You have talked about leaving for about ten years, but you are still here.


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Houston

You Know You're From Houston If...

You have to turn on the air conditioning in January 2 days after a low of 29 degrees.

"Luv Ya Blue" still makes you smile, even if you did run the Oilers out of town.

You wander into a section of town where you can't read the street signs because they're written in Korean instead of English, but you don't care because you can get great prices on fake designer merchandise and great food.

You think y'all is a perfectly good word when you're referring to more than one person.

You see nothing unusual about an eighty-something former sheriff's deputy who wears a white pompadour toupee and blue sun-glasses, mispronounces names, allows televising of his frequent plastic surgeries, seems unnaturally obsessed with slime in the ice machine, and screams "MAR-VIN ZIND-ler, iiiiiiii-witness news" into a television.

You see your neighbor dancing around the front yard, and you don't think he's won the Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes; you know that he just stepped in a fire ant bed.

You're on your way to work one FEBRUARY morning and suddenly you're trapped in a traffic jam caused by a chuck wagon and fifty horses with riders and you look around to see that everybody in the cars around you is wearing a cowboy hat.

You have to turn on the air conditioning in January, two days after a low of 29 degrees.

The name "Bud Adams" makes people snarl, and "Bum Phillips" doesn't mean a bad screwdriver.

You come to work in short sleeves and walk out at noon to find that a "blue-tailed norther" has blown through and the temperature has dropped 40 degrees in a matter of minutes.

You go to an art festival on Westheimer and you're almost run down by two hand- holding cross dressers on roller blades.

For a Chili Cookoff, you'll use anything from armadillo to frog's legs, but you know that the only GOOD chili is made with chopped (not ground)- beef, and it has NO beans and NO tomatoes.

You know that Spring is not the season, Katy is not the lady, and 1960 is not the year.

You know that Society matrons of "a certain age" still sport big hair and faces that have gone east, west, and north rather than south.

You can leave your house, head out of town, and an hour later you still haven't left the city limits (during rush hour, you haven't left your NEIGHBORHOOD).

You've never seen I-45 in any condition other than under construction, and you've lived here for 20-30 years.

You think that the humidity being below 90 percent makes it a GOOD hair day.

You know that "Clutch City" has nothing to do with automobile transmissions.

The Dream" is not a fantasy.

The only REAL Mexican food is Tex-Mex.

You've seen a 747 with a Space Shuttle riding piggyback flying low right overhead, and nobody paid any attention to it.

You know that while saving you money, "Mattress Mac" has amassed more than the U.S. treasury.

You're happy to have beaten Los Angeles out of a football team, but you'd rather they keep the title of "Smog Capital."

You know that the Astrodome will always be the 8th wonder of the world.


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Houston

THE RULES OF HOUSTON

Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Houston has its own version of traffic rules...Hold on and pray. There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in Houston. We all drive like that.

All directions start with, "Go down to Loop 610".... which has no beginning and no end.

The Chamber of Commerce calls getting through traffic... a "Scenic Drive."

The morning rush hour is from 6:00AM to 10:00AM. The evening rush hour is from 3:00PM to 7:00PM. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.

If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended, cussed out and possibly shot. When you are the first one off the starting line, count to five when the light turns green before going, to avoid getting into any cross-traffic's way.

Kuykendahl Road can only be pronounced by a native Houstonian.

Construction on I-10, I-45, US 59 and Loop 610 is a way of life and a permanent form of entertainment.

All unexplained smells are explained by the phrase, "Oh, we must be in Pasadena!!!."

If someone actually has their turn signal on, it is probably a factory defect.

All old ladies with blue hair in a pink Cadillac have total right-of-way.

The minimum acceptable speed on Loop 610 is 85 mph. Anything less is considered downright sissy.

The wrought iron on windows in east Houston is not ornamental.

Never stare at the driver of the car with the bumper sticker that says, "Keep honking, I'm reloading." In fact, don't honk at anyone.

If you are in the left lane, and only going 70 mph in a 60 mph zone, people are not waving when they go by.

The Sam Houston Toll road is our daily version of NASCAR.

When in doubt, remember that all unmarked exits lead to Louisiana.

You don't have to wait for an exit to get off a freeway, just follow the ruts in the grass to the frontage road like everyone else. This is how Houston residents notify Texas Department of Transportation where exits should have been built.


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San Jose Mission

YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM SAN ANTONIO IF.....

You ever went on a field trip to the Butterkrust Bakery.

You think "pro-choice" means flour or corn tortillas.

You've never been to the Alamo.

You think a health drink is a Margarita without salt.

You used to live in a neighborhood you wouldn't even drive through now.

There has been a road crew on your street since before the Alamodome was built.

You remember when Crossroads mall used to be called Wonderland.

You remember when KTSA was the #1 station in town.

You know Dan Cook coined the phrase "it ain't over 'till the fat lady sings."

Your idea of culture is wearing a Spurs T-shirt.

You do your shopping at the Eisenhauer Road flea market.

You have 3 rodeo outfits but never have been on a horse.

Your subwoofer has twice the value of your car.

You went to get breakfast tacos at Taco Cabana on Christmas morning.

You know where "St. Joseph's Church" is.

You think a three-piece suit is a T-shirt, jeans and baseball cap.

You remember the Joske's Christmas display.

You remember Joske's-- period.

You know that Wheatley and Brackenridge is the same school.

You know who plays in the Chili Bowl and the Gucci Bowl.

You remember Dillard's on the south side.

You had an elephant ride at the zoo.

You remember hamburgers at Whopper Burger.

You remember the Toros.

You remember the parade sniper.

You know the "real" definition of FIESTA is "stay home if at all possible".

You know that the Alamo is one of the 5 missions in town.

Your senior trip was to either Astroworld or Six Flags.

You know 1604 is also known as the "death loop".

You remember when Ingram mall wasn't even there.

You remember when Loop 410 was the outskirts of town.

You've ordered Mexican food at a Chinese restaurant.

You take your vacation during Fiesta week.

You think being able to read the Taco Cabana menu makes you bilingual.

Playland Park...enough said!!!



The Riverwalk



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